Real Americans

Real Americans don’t beat each other down. We help each other up.

If someone else needs a beatdown, real Americans stand ready to administer it — and then offer the same hand up that we offer each other.

Real Americans don’t break up American companies for a living and call ourselves “job creators.” We found new companies, create jobs, and call ourselves “taxpayers.”

Real Americans don’t maintain offshore bank accounts.

Real Americans vote, pay our taxes, and tell our government to pound sand when it’s out of line.

Real Americans appreciate the people who work for us under difficult conditions; people like firefighters, soldiers, cops and teachers.

Real Americans don’t confuse the military with a policing agency. Real American kids who talk back to teachers grow up to found companies, create jobs, and talk back to cops.

Real Americans take cookies to firefighters and cops working the Christmas shift.

Real Americans obey laws. We don’t buy them.

Real Americans don’t fear that the “New World Order” is a consummate global conspiracy. We think it’s a silly marketing slogan for a guild of insecure oligarchs.

Real Americans don’t fear oligarchs. We talk back to them, too.

Real Americans don’t require “ultimate driving machines.” We already know what it is to drive across a big country, fast and hard toward a far horizon that would be three languages away on most continents, without producing any government ID…

…except maybe “license and registration, please.”

Real Americans believe the government is our employee, not our supervisor.

Real Americans keep religion private and legislation public.

Real Americans don’t torture anyone, ever, on any pretext, because we’re better than that.

Real Americans won’t tolerate incursions on our liberty as the price of an ever-receding “security.”

Real Americans defend our country against all enemies foreign and domestic, whether that means fighting in service to our government… or against it.

In the privacy of our homes, real Americans drink and smoke whatever we damn well please…

…and you’ll need to come back with a warrant to dispute that, Officer.

Real Americans put our rights on hold to serve in the military whether or not we have “better things to do.”

Real Americans disobey unlawful orders.

Real Americans protest unnecessary wars, but…

…real Americans don’t fling our medals over a fence to make a point.

Real Americans play games in our free time. We don’t consider sports a “profession.”

Real Americans don’t own guns because we’re wannabe badasses or because we’re afraid, but because we’re confident enough to wield dangerous things capably — dangerous things like personal freedom.

Real Americans know there’s more grit and worth in one ambitious immigrant than in all the feckless heirs of privilege combined. That’s how we squeezed so much value out of Alexander Hamilton, Andrew Carnegie, José the gardener, and my great-granny Gert.

Real Americans believe that G-D gave us grass for dogs and kids to play on.

Real Americans won’t ever agree that we can be fully described by some jerk’s cranky internet manifesto.

Real Americans honor the past, build for the future, and are good neighbors right now.

Go meet them.