Stop shooting at my flag

Y’know, it’s just not that damned complicated.

If someone wants to smoke pot — or nutmeg, or botanical orchid paste, or Cuban cigars — go ahead and let them, because that grass? Not your lawn.

If someone wants to rub their bits on someone of whom you don’t approve, so what? They’re not your bits, Church Lady. Unless it’s your minor child, you don’t get to vote down someone else’s personal life.

If someone is getting around with a big, stupid truck or a fart can Nissan or a 190-mph stuporbike, big deal. Until and unless they cause a traffic hazard, drive your own road and let them be. They’re paying their own fuel tax and license fees and insurance premiums — possibly outlandish ones — which means the burden on YOU nets out at NOTHING. Sanctimonious Prius penitents are advised to take their blood pressure meds and remain safely in the slow lane.

Pit bulls? They’re ugly little dogs and some people fight them, but they’re sweet as candy and make loyal family furs if raised even halfway decently. If you’re looking to impose the next breed ban, why not start with busybodies? Pimps and rednecks may strut around with pits on chain leashes (and if you lie down with pimps, you get up with worse than fleas), but if you’re a Seattlite who works tech, you probably dress worse than the average redneck — let alone pimp. You and your Golden Doodle are invited to get over your fluffy selves.

Do you deeply believe that all Catholics are secret pedophiles, or that atheists somehow manage to exist in the absence of any moral code? All that opinion proves is that you’re a bigot. Punish behavior, not creeds. Right — that even includes the hateful creeds espoused by white power dickheads and sharia dickheads. Whatever they mutter between themselves, down there in the darkness under their rock, is their business. It won’t become your watch until and unless they crawl out and commit crimes.

Why? Because freedom of speech is enshrined specifically for the benefit of dickheads. Nobody needs to be reminded that wise people should have their say, but all of us need occasional reminders that we don’t have all the wisdom. You can’t compare — let alone critique — ideas that never get a hearing. Let sunlight bleach the stupid out of ’em. It’s the only way to keep that shit from festering.

You thought this was segueing into a Second Amendment rant, right? Nah. If you don’t get it by now, there’s no talking to you.

Live your life. Enjoy your liberty. Pursue happiness. And GTFO my lawn.

Hey, Bambi! Trespassers will be shot!